Japanese Made

Outside of the Manila Hotel (new name?), a Japanese tourist gets in a cab and tells the driver to drive him to the airport.

On their way, a car zoomed by and the Japanese goes "Aaah Toyota, made in Japan...very faaast!"

And then another car zooms by and the Japanese goes "Aaah Nissan, made in Japan...very faaast!"

And then another, "Aaah Mitsubishi, made in Japan... very faaast!"

By this time the Pinoy cabbie’s getting tired of his passenger’s nationalistic pride. Upon arriving at the airport the cabbie tells his passenger "400 pesos please."

The Japanese goes "400 pesos? It’s not that far from the hotel!"

The cabbie’s reply: "Aaah, taxi meter, made in Japan....very faaast!"

Some practical Chinese phrases:

Ai Bang Mai Nee- I bumped into the coffee table
Chin Tuh Fat- You need a face lift
Dum Gai- A stupid person
Hu Flung Dung - Which one of you fertilized the field?
Hu Yu Hai Ding - We have reason to believe you’re harboring a fugitive
Kum Hia- Approach me
Lao Zi - Not very good
Lin Ching- An illegal execution
Neewang Kai Ko- I need to put on weight
Shai Gai - A bashful person
Tai Ne Bae Be- A premature infant
Tai Ne Po Ne - A small horse
Ten Ding Bah - Serving drinks to people
Wan Bum Lung- A person with TB
Wah Shing Kah - Car wash
Wai Soh Dim - Are you trying to save electricity?
Wai U Shao Ting - There is no reason to raise your voice
Wah Lah Na- That’s all folks!

ERAP's Medical Terms

Listed below are the results of his entrance test dug up from some ancient archives. Needless to say, he didn’t make it.

Antibody - against everyone
Artery - the study of fine paintings
Bacteria - back door to a cafeteria
Benign - what you be after you be eight
Bowel - letters like A, E, I, O or U
Caesarean Section - a district in Rome
Cardiology - advanced study of poker playing
CAT Scan - searching for one’s lost kitty
Cauterize - made eye contact with her
Coma - a punctuation mark
Congenital - friendly
Cortisone - the local courthouse
D & C - where Washington is
Dilate - to live longer
Enema - not a friend
ER - the things on your head that you hear with
Fibrillate - to tell lies
Genes - blue denim slacks
Hemorrhoid - a male from outer space
Impotent - distinguished, well-known
Labor Pain - hurt at work
Organ Transplant - what you do to your piano when you move
Paralyze - two far-fetched stories
Pathological - a reasonable way to go
Pharmacist - person who makes a living dealing in agriculture
Protein - in favor of young people
Red Blood Count - Dracula
Rheumatic - amorous
Secretion - hiding anything
Tablet - a small table
Terminal Illness - getting sick at the airport
Tibia - country in North Africa
Triple Bypass - better than a quarterback sneak
Tumor - an extra pair
Urine - opposite of "you’re out"
Varicose - very close
Vein - conceit

Misis: Dir, bakit may black eyes ka?

Mister: Paakyat kasi ako sa eskaleytor sa megamol. Napansin ko na naipit yung mini-skirt ng babaing nasa unahan ko sa pagitan ng kaniyang puwit. Ini-stretch ko. Tapos, hinarap niya ako at sinuntok ako sa kaliwang mata.

Misis: Naiintindihan ko yon. Pero paano mo nakuha yung black-eye mo sa kanang mata?
Mister: E kasi, akala ko gusto niyang nakaipit talaga yung palda niya, kaya ibinalik ko ulit.

Erap and Loi were out on an African safari when suddenly a lion sprang out of nowhere and dragged Loi with its jaws.
Loi: Shoot! SHOOT!
ERAP: I Can’t !! La na akong Film!!

Erap was going to Malacanang when the security guard stopped him.
Guard: Ang ID ninyo po? so nilabas ni erap ang ID niya.
Guard: Um...Ipin ninyo Po. ... Erap smiled.

Jinggoy: Daddy anong spelling ng saksesful? single ba o double "s"?
Erap: tatlohin mo na para sigurado!

Erap and Gloria were at a meeting when they got hungry.
Erap: bili tayo ng sopdrinks at mani.
Gloria: Tinitigyawat ako sa mani e!
Erap: O Talaga!? ako sa mukha tinitigyawat!

ACCOUNTING TERMS - PINOY STYLE

1. Asset — Ari
2. Fixed Asset — Aring Nakatirik
3. Liquid Asset — Aring Tumutulo
4. Written-off Asset — Aring Pinutol
5. Cut-off time — Oras ng Pagputol
6. Depreciation — Pagkalaspag ng Ari
7. Fully Depreciated Asset — Aring Laspag na Laspag na
8. Earning Asset — Aring Ganado Pa
9. Non-Earning Asset — Aring Baldado na
10. Owned Asset — Sariling Ari
11. Other Asset — Ari ng Iba
12. Miscellaneous Asset — Mga Aring Pinagsamasama
13. Erroneous Entry — Mali ang Pagkapasok
14. Double Entry — Dalawa ang Pinasukan
15. Multiple Entry — Labas-pasok
16. Correcting Entry — Itinama ang Pagpasok
17. Reversing Entry — Baligtad ang Pasok
18. Tangible Asset — Aring Nasasalat
19. Dispensed — Nilabasan
20. Undispensed — Hindi Nilabasan

M or F

Applying for a job for the first time, isang seksing coed was filling up the application form . Mabilis siyang natapos but mukhang nahirapan siyang sagutin ang isang tanong:

PERSONNEL: Do you need help in filling up the application, Miss?

MISS: Puede ho bang "occasionally" ang ilagay na sagot.

PERSONNEL: Which question, Miss?

MISS: Sex

Don't Miss Church

A Filipino pastor from the barrio decided to skip services one Sunday and head to the bundok to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner on a perilous twist in the trail, he and a bear collided, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside. Before he knew it, his rifle went one way and he went the other, landing on a rock and breaking both legs. That was the good news. The bad news was the ferocious bear was charging at him from a distance and he couldn’t move. "Oh, Lord," the Filipino preacher prayed, "I’m so sorry for skipping services today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one last prayer request: Please make a Christian out of the bear that’s coming at me. Please, Lord!" At that very instant the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud right at the preacher’s feet: "Dear God, bless this food I am about to receive..."

Name Translation

Remigio Batungbacal - Remington Steel
Bienvenido Jurado - Ben Hur
Federico Hagibis - Federal Express
Eleoterio Ignacio - Electronic Ignition
Casimiro Bukaykay - Cashmir Bouquet
Rogelio Dagdag - Roger Moore
Topacio Mamaril - Top Gun
Restituto Pruto - Tutti Frutti
Samuel Tampipi - Sam Sonite
Veneracion De Asis - Venereal Disease
Francisco Portero - Frank Furter
Diosdado Durante - Deo Dorant