HOME

 

JOKE ARCHIVES

 

  MARCH 1st  Week

 

March 11, 2000

KRIS A.'s Prayer

Armani,

Which art in Hermes, Hallowed be thy Gucci. Thy Cartier watch, Thy Prada bag, On Rodeo, As it is in Tiffany’s. Give us this day, our Visa Titanium And forgive us this overdraft, As we forgive those who decline ur Mastercard. Lead us not into JC Penney, And deliver us from Sears. For thine is the Chanel, the Gaultier, and the Versace, For Dolce and Gabbana...

Amex.

Submitted by AG Cruz


March 10, 2000

ERAP's New Lingo

1. aspect - pantusok ng yelo
2. backlog - bacon saka egg
3. beehive - magpakatino ka
4. cdrom - tingnan mo ang kwarto
5. city - bago mag-utso
6. cattle - doon nakatila ang hali at leyna
7. debug - ang ipis
8. dedicated - pinatay ang pusa
9. deduct - ang pato
10. defeat - ang paa
11. defense - ang bakod
12. defer - ang balahibo
13. deflate - ang plato
14. defrag - ang palaka
15. delusion - e di maluwag
16. depends - (see defense)
17. deposit - ang gripo
18. depress - nagkasal sa persuading (see persuading)
19. detail - ang buntot
20. detest - ang eksamin
21. devalue - ‘yon ang susunod sa letrang ‘V’
22. devastation - ‘dun sasakay ng bus
23. devote - ang boto
24. dilemma - brownout, a!
25. effort - ‘dun nagla-land ang efflane
26. forums - apat na kwarto
27. it depends - kainin mo ang bakod
28. july - nagsinungaling ka ba?
29. statue - ikaw ba ‘yan?
30. protestant - tindahan ng prutas.
31. predicate - pakawalan mo ang pusa
32. profit - patunayan mo
33. persuading - unang kasal
34. tenacious - sinusuot sa paa
35. thesis - ito ay
36. torpedo - takot manligaw
37. zoology - ang sayans ng pagtatahi

Submitted by Carlo A.


March 9, 2000

General Tinio St.

There is a popular college whose address is in Heneral Tinio in the corner of South Super Highway about a stone’s throw away from Don Bosco and ten minutes from the now Ayala Complex. ( Does anybody know what college I was talking about ?) Anyway this baranggay in Makati has most of the streets named after famous generals in History like Hen. Aguinaldo , Hen. Del Pilar, Heneral Tinio, Heneral Malvar, Heneral Evangelista...

A beautiful and finesse instructress rode a jeepney in Edsa(Pasay)which has the route Evangelista/Buendia to get to work in the college... With her, on the jeepney were a few passengers, old ladies,men and many college students who were rushing late to attend their classes...

After a while the first passenger called the driver’s attention:

Passenger 1 : Mama kanto ng Aguinaldo ho ako !!!!

So the driver pulled over on the corner of Heneral Aguinaldo street to let the passenger off then resumed driving ... After a while another passenger tapped the ceiling of the jeepney

Passenger 2 : Mama kanto Del Pilar ho ako !

The driver once again pulled over on the side of del Pilar street to let the second passenger off... then resumed his driving ..After a while another passenger called his attention again

Passenger 3: Sa Kanto ng Malvar lang pare !!!

So like the rest ,he pulled the jeepney on the corner side of Heneral Malvar street to let the passenger off ...After a while, the instructress was prepared to get off and waited for any of the students to call the driver’s attention and make him stop ... However none of the students made any attempt since they were also waiting for her to call the driver’s attention ...They were almost going to pass the corner of Heneral Tinio so she decided to shout loud ...

Instructress : Mama, mama !!!

Driver : Ano yon !

Instructress : Kanto Tinio ho ako !!! Kanto Tinio ho ako !!

(trying very hard to maintain her poise !)......

After a pause the driver responded ....

Driver : Miss, hindi pwede ! ... Maraming nakakakita at may asawa na ho ako !

Then stopped the jeepney ..the pasengers looked at one another while she got off ... She was still walking toward the college but can’t figure out why the driver responded in that weird way ! She then glanced back and saw all the students walking behind her snickering and laughing their heads off!!

That was the time she realized the horror of what she just said and to think she said it with such urgency !!!!


March 8, 2000

Here are some love acronyms that u might find amusing.

H.O.L.L.A.N.D. - Hope Our Love Lasts And Never Dies.
I.T.A.L.Y. - I Trust And Love You.
L.I.B.Y.A. - Love Is Beautiful; You Also.
F.R.A.N.C.E. - Friendships Remain And Never Can End.
C.H.I.N.A. - Come Here.. I Need Affection.
B.U.R.M.A. - Between Us, Remember Me Always.
N.E.P.A.L. - Never Ever Part As Lovers.
I.N.D.I.A. - I Nearly Died In Adoration.
K.E.N.Y.A. - Keep Everything Nice, Yet Arousing.
C.A.N.A.D.A. - Cute And Naughty Action that Developed into Attraction
K.O.R.E.A. - Keep Optimistic Regardless of Every Adversity.
E.G.Y.P.T. - Everything’s Great, You Pretty Thing!
R.U.S.S.I.A. - Romance Under the Sky & Stars is Intimate Always.
M.A.N.I.L.A. - May All Nights Inspire Love Always.
B.A.L.I.W.A.G. - Beauty And Love I Will Always Give.
M.A.L.A.B.O.N. - May A Lasting Affair Be Ours Now.
I.M.U.S. - I Miss U, Sweetheart.
P.A.S.I.G. - Please Always Say I’m Gorgeous.
C.E.B.U. - Change Everything... But Us.
P.E.R.U. - Porget Everyone... Remember Us.
P.A.R.A.N.A.Q.U.E. - Please Always Remain Adorable, Nice And Quiet Under Ecstacy.
T.O.N.D.O. - Tonight’s Our Night, Dearest One.
P.A.S.A.Y. - Pretty And Sexy Are You.
Y.E.M.E.N. - ‘Yugyugan Every Morning, Every Night.
M.A.R.L.B.O.R.O. - Men Always Remember Love Because Of Romance Only.
Y.A.M.A.H.A. - You Are My Angel! Happy Anniversary!
P.H.I.L.I.P.P.I.N.E.S. - Pumping Hot.. I Love It! Please Please.. I Need Erotic Stimulation!


March 7, 2000

Dermatologist to a patient.
DERMA: Miss, may good news ako sa inyo. Hindi na kayo tutubuan ng tigyawat.
MS.: Talaga po doc?
DERMA: OO, dahil wala ng space.

Kring, kring.........
AMO:Inday, sagutin mo ang telepono baka kabit 'yan ng Sir mo!!!
INDAY:Si Ma'am talaga o.....pinapaselos pa ako!!!


March 6, 2000

Ito na lang ang bilhin mo signatures na signatures ang dating.
CK--------Cavite Kamiseta.
YSL-------Yari Sa Laguna.
UCB-------Under the Coconut tree in Baclaran.
DKNY------Divisoria Kanto Ng Ylaya.
RL--------Rizal sa Luneta.
At pag suot mo tong mga ito pare, pang GQ model ang dating mo sa magazines:
GQ------ Galing Quiapo ----------



3 bears were driving on the road. They accidently drove off a cliff and into the water.
Which bear did not get wet?
--the dribear.

Which bear saw the accident?
--the neighbear.

Which bear came out of the car safely?
--the surbibear.

Which bear fixed the car?
--MacGuyBear


March 5, 2000

Bakit nahihiya ang mga biik ??
Sagot: paano NANAY kasi nila BABOY

Bakit nahihiya ang mga batang kambing ??
Sagot: kasi NANAY nila Balbasarado

Bakit ang manok ay tumitingala kapag umiinom ??
Sagot: kasi Tinatanong nila sa TAAS na kung bakit hindi sila naiihi pero inom naman sila ng inom.

Paano matulog ang KUBA??
Sagot:eh di nakapikit..


March 4, 2000

Paano mo malalaman kung ang karneng bibilhin mo eh babae o lalake ??
Sagot:kapag babae KIKILUHIN kapag lalake TITImbangin.

Paano mo malalaman kung ang tao sa loob ng banyo ay babae o lalake ??
Sagot: eh di hintayin mong lumabas..

Anong Puno ang hindi pwedeng akyatin ??
Sagot eh di yung NAKATUMBA..


March 3, 2000

Ano ang pwede mong gawin sa GABI na hindi mo pwedeng gawin sa UMAGA ??
Sagot: eh di MAGPUYAT.

Ano ang nagagawa ng LIMANG lalake na hindi kayang gawin ng LIMANG babae ??
Sagot eh di UMIHI NG SABAY SABAY SA ARINOLA.

Q: WHAT DOES AN AMERICAN SAY WHEN HE FARTS ?
A: EXCUSE ME
Q: BRITISH?
A: PARDON ME
Q: PINOY ?
A: NOT ME!!


March 2, 2000

Jeepney Driver

A Manila Jeepney driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the driver, Peter invites him to grab a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.

A preacher is next in line behind the Jeepney driver and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher’s entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we’ll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."

The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a Manila Jeepney driver."

St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "Here we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the Manila Jeepney driver drove his Jeep, people prayed."


March 1, 2000

ISPAGITI

Ip you like to mik pilipino ispagiti, you jus dipros dee grounbip,a. Andin you pollow dee diriksyon in dee kwan. Dee kwan, you know wat I’m reperring too. Dee diriksyon on dee ispagiti plastik and deesauce mix.

Instid ob eating wid dee pork, you eat wid your han. Ay, dat is how we eat in da pilipeens. Ip der is lipober, you put it in di prigideer. Andin tomoro, you eat it por brikpas. Ip der is still samor, you jus baon it por work. You can also eat di ispagiti wid rice. Dat is Filifino ispagiti. Andin ip der is still somor, ay do not tro dat away. You jus gib it to dee dogs or cats outside, a. Dat is becos ispagiti is por long lipe. I don’t like to see it weested.

So, mga kababayans, you itry dis risipi.

BACK



                                      

 

Copyright © 1999 Philhumor.com All Rights Reserved
PHILHUMOR.COM
Makati City
Philippines