A sexy reporter
was interviewing Erap.
FLASH REPORT; ERAP SHOT AND KILLED LOI AFTER BUYING A HOUSE; REASON, STATED IN THE CONTRACT: EXECUTE ALL 3 COPIES TOGETHER WITH YOUR WIFE
Kung wala kang makain, papakainin ka ni erap. Kung wala kang damit, dadamitan ka ni erap. Kung wala kang asawa, Aasawahin ka ni erap. Kung wala kang alam, lalo na si erap!
MATANDANG DALAGA : Hello, Manila police? May sex manyak na nakapasok dito sa aking bahay!!! At sa kasalukuyan ay ni-re-rape niya ko..... pwede po ba kayong pumunta dito at hulihin siya bukas ng umaga?
Losing someone's teeth will lessen your sexual drive according to a Chinese doctor - "PAK KAW WALA EPEN, WALA KAN TOOTH.
VANDOLPH: Ma, kain naman tayo ng JH, gutom na ko.
VANDOLPH: Jollibee Hamburger
VANDOLPH: O kaya diyan na lang sa PH.
VANDOLPH: Pizza Hut
ALMA: wag na, bili na lang tayo ng hotdog sandwich sa 19.
VANDOLPH: Ano yung 19 ma?
ALMA: diyan sa SEVEN-ELEVEN.
Paano mo patatawanin si Alma kung Sabado?
Wednesday pa lang, sabihin mo na yung joke mo.
Bakit ayaw na ayaw sumakay ni ALMA sa tabing window ng mga airplanes?
Baka daw kasi magulo ang buhok niya sa hangin.
VANDOLPH: Mama, nakabasa ka na ba ng Shakespeare?
ALMA : Hindi pa, sino ba sumulat nun?
COUP D ETAT
WARNING 2 ALL TEXTERS:
Galit na si Erap dahil ginagawa siyang TANGA at BOBO sa text ngayon. Kapag tutuloy pa ito ay ipapaputol na niya ang linya ng mga cellphones. May binigay na siyang advice at memo sa MERALCO!
Children playing outside the car can cause accident...
Adults playing inside the car can cause children!!! BY ACCIDENT
At The Beach
One day, Alma and Van Dolph went to the beach. Van Dolph was swimming which Alma was preparing lunch.
When lunch was about ready, she called out to Van Dolph, "VAN DOLPH, HUWAG KANG LALAYO, KAKAIN NA TAYO!"
But Van Dolph kept on swimming farther out, so she yelled louder, "VAN DOLPH, HUWAG KANG LALAYO, KAKAIN NA TAYO!!"
Still, Van Dolph swam out even farther, so Alma screamed, "VAN DOLPH! HUWAG KANG LALAYO, KAKAIN NA TAYO!!!"
Being such a hardhead, Van Dolph kept on swimming even further out. Alma was about to scream again, when she thought of a brilliant idea!
She picked up a binocular, then she said in her plain voice, "Van Dolph, huwag kang lalayo, kakain na tayo!"
At Mcdonald's Again
Alma and Van Dolph went to McDonald's. She went up to the counter and ordered "Adobo."
The McEmployee said, "I'm sorry, ma'am. We don't serve adobo here at McDo."
Alma said, "Sure you do! You know, as in that commercial, 'Adobo-dobo cheese-cheese burger-burger please!'"
NI BISHOP BACANI AT NI BROTHER MIKE SI ERAP?
A cub reporter was complaining about the President's accessibility to the media. Talking to another veteran mediaman, he said it is harder now to get through the President compared to those days when he was still Mayor, Senator and even Vice President.
The mediaman said, "Pare, hindi totoo yan! In fact they have installed a very sophisticated telephone system over at Malacanang. All you need to dois lift the handset and presto you can talk to the President anytime."
"Really?" said the amused reporter and hurriedly ended the conversation. "O, sigue pare, thank you sa tip ha? Tatawag na kaagad ako sa Presidente!"
And so the reporter got hold of a telephone and dialed the Malacanang number, and this is what he heard:
"GOOD MORNING, YOU HAVE REACHED THE OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENT. IF YOU WISH TO TALK TO HIM IN TAGALOG, PLEASE PRESS 1. IF YOU WANT TO TALK TO HIM IN FILIPINO, PLEASE PRESS 2. IF YOU INSIST ON TALKING TO HIM IN ENGLISH, PLEASE HANG UP AND DON'T CALL AGAIN!"
That didn't dampen the spirit of the persistent reporter. He dialed the number again and followed the instruction by pressing 1 (for Tagalog), and this is what he heard:
MAGANDANG UMAGA PO, ANG INYONG TAWAG AY NAKARATING SA TANGGAPAN NG PANGULONG ERAP. SA KASAWIANG PALAD, SIYA AY KASALUKUYAN PANG NATUTULOG. KUNG MAYROON KAYONG IBANG NAIS MAKAUSAP, SUNDIN ANG MGA SUMUSUNOD: "PINDUTIN ANG ISA PARA SA UNANG ASAWA, PINDUTIN ANG DALAWA PARA SA PANGALAWANG ASAWA, AT PINDUTIN ANG TATLO KUNG MAYROON KAYONG MAIRE-REKOMENDA!"
Erap at a California Pizza kitchen
Erap: Waiter, ano bang specialty niyo?
Waiter: Sir we have a wide range of pizza
Erap: A ganun ba?..Isang Shakeys special nga!
Q: Why does
Erap keep empty beer bottles in his fridge?
During a press conference on morality...
Reporter: Sir, how many women do you believe must a man marry?
Erap: 16 !!!
Erap: Because the priest says:
Four richer, four poorer, four better, four worse.
Takbong pumasok ng bahay si Inday. Pagud na pagod, pero masayang-masaya.
Nagmamayabang pa sa amo.
Inday: Sir! Sir! Nakatipid ako ng dos singkwenta.
Amo: Nakatipid? Paano?
Inday: Aba'y 'di ako sumakay ng dyip. Sumabay lang ako ng takbo. Kaya't
nakatipid ako ng two-fifty.
Amo: Bobo ka pala, eh. Kung taxi ang sinabayan mo, 'Di mas malaki ang
Jackie: Dad, manganganak na ata ko!
Erap: Driver, tigil mo sa Jollibee.
Loi: Ha? Manganganak na nga Jollibee ka pa!
Erap: D ba FREE DLIVERY dun?
2 magkumpare naguusap..
pare 1- bakit hindi mo binigyan ng limos yung tao kanina..
pare 2- limosan mo yon eh! may anak yon sa malakanyang.
pare 2- oo namamalimos din.
If Erap and
Cory are tossed off a building, who hits the ground
Why did Erap tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.
Why did Erap always wear condoms on his ears every time he has sex?
So he wouldn't get hearing aids.
First time at excited na sumakay si Erap ng Boeing747. Sa loob ng eroplano, sigaw ng sigaw si Erap. "BOEING! BOEING! BOEING! BOEING!
Nagalit ang piloto and sinabihan siya ng "BE SILENT!"
Tumahimik sandali si Erap, sabay sigaw ulit ng OEING! OEING! OEING! OEING!
ERAP : Manila Fire Department???? Pumunta agad kayo dito!!! Nasusunog ang bahay namin!!!
Bumbero : Sige po!! Pano po kami makakarating diyan?
ERAP : MGA TANGA! sumakay kayo sa mga trak niyo!!
What did Erap do when he heard that 90% of accidents occur around
Ramos: Erap, why do you cry while eating Chippy?
And why do you shed your tears on the wrapper?
Erap: Because it says here on top "Tear here"
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