NALULUNOD SI ERAP SA KALIWA, NALULUNOD SI RAMOS SA KANAN, SINO ANG UNANG SASAGIPIN? ANG HIRAP MAGDESISYON NG AKING GAGAWIN... MAG JO-JOLIBEE BA KO OR MAG MA-MACDO O WENDY'S?
MAY BAGONG BRAND NG COMPUTERS - ERAP COMPUTERS - MAY 6 INCH HARD DRIVE PERO WALANG MEMORY.
Loi nakita si Erap na may kasamang babae sa kama
Loi: Walanghiya ka Erap! I-dedemanda kita ng adultery!
Erap: Adultery? Ano ka ba naman honey? Tingnan mo nga itong kasama ko, ang bata-bata pa nito....bakit mo sasabihing adultery?
Isang umaga, may nakitang sulat si Erap sa labas ng kuwarto niya sa malacanang.
Binuksan niya ito at may nakasulat na "DAPAT KA NG MAMATAY PRESIDENTE ERAP" at napansin niya na ito ay amoy ihi pa. Nagpatawag siya ng Presidential Securiy advisers.
ERAP: May death threat ako. Ipadala niyo agad sa handwriting expert at kunin ang lahat ng urine sample ng lahat ng tao dito sa malacanang. Bigyan niyo ko ng report mamyang gabi.
Kinagabihan
PSG: Sir, alam na namin kung kanino iyong ihi at handwriting.
Erap: Kanino?
PSG: Iyong urine sample, tugma kay Secretary Zamora.
Erap: Ang sarili kong Presidential secretary? nagtaksil siya sa kin.....E yung handwriting kanino naman?
PSG: Kay ma'm Loi.
Nagpa check-up sa kaniyang OB si Alma at nalaman niya na buntis na naman siya.
Agad agad siyang tumawag sa cell phone ni Joey.
Alma: Walanghiya ka Joey! Buntis na naman ako!
Hindi sumagot si Joey.
Alma: Narinig mo ba ko? Alam mo ba ang pinag gagawa mo? buntis na naman ako!!!
Sumagot na din si Joey.
Joey: teka, teka....sino ba to?
In the U.S,
they have BILL CLINTON, JOHNNY CASH, BOB HOPE and STEVIE WONDER.
In the Philippines, we have ERAP, NO BILL, NO CASH and NO HOPE.....
NO WONDER!!!
Breaking News: Former Presidential Spokesman Fernando Barican's dual citizenship has just been confirmed. He is half-Filipino ... and half-Filipina! DYOS KO DAY!!
DID YOU KNOW THAT BROD MIKE VELARDE KICKED OUT ALL D GAYS FROM EL SHADDAI? THEY GOT MAD AND FORMED THEIR OWN "DIOSKODAI"
Marcos proved that you'll be very rich if you become President. Cory proved anyone can be President.
Erap is proving that we don't need a President.
I saw a big Pokemon stuff toy in Toy Kingdom. Bibilhin ko sana kaso tinarayan ako ng saleslady. Ewan ko ba, sabi ko lang naman "miss, patingin ng Pokemong malaki."
Q: why are
typhoons named after women?
A: because when they come they're wet and wild, and when they go, they
take your house and car with them.
Anong Pagkakaiba ng Kalabasa at Talong?....!!!???
Ang kalabasa, Pampalinaw ng mata, Ang talong pampatirik ng mata
Witness: pagktapos ng krimen naghiwa-hiwalay na kami
Translator: after the crime, we became sepa-separated
A man was dying of cancer.
One day his son asked: Dad, why do you keep on telling everybody that you are dying of Aids.
his reply: so that when I die no one will fuck your Mom.
Anong kalagayan ni pooh? poohr,
ano gusto nyang car? ravpoohr,
san sya nakatira? sa poohno,
ano itsura nya? poohgi,
fave clor? poohia,
cno mas cute pa kay pooh? ako pooh!!!
Q:ano ang
pinaka ayaw ng babae sa lalaki?
A:pagtitiwala - mantakin mo naman, pag titi wala? ano pa ang saysay ng
buhay.
A-you're attractive, B-you're brave, C-you're cute, D-you're a darling, E-you're exciting, F-you're funny, G-you're so great, H-you're heavenly, I-I'm, J-just, K-kidding.
Erap in a mall
erap to saleslady: miss, meron ba kayong kikimon?
saleslady: sir, pokemon po yun.
erap: kikimon - pokemon pare-pareho rin yang pekpek yun!
Happiness
is not found at the end of the road. It is experienced everytime you make
a sudden turn. .--.--.--.--. WELCOME TO
ANITO LODGE
Sa loob ng isang motel:
GIRL: Hu,hu,hu..bakit natn ginawa ito? dì na ko virgin at 2 beses
pa nating ginawa!
BOY: aba Isa lang ah!
GIRL: bakit, hindi mo ba uulitin?
Ang Sigaw
Ng Tao
Kay MARC0S:MABUHAY PILIPIN0;
Kay C0RY:LABAN PILIPIN0,
Kay RAM0S:SUL0NG PILIPIN0,
Kay ERAP:CASIN0 PILIPIN0....UH TAYA NA.
PDI Reporter : Mr. President, why did you beat up the man yesterday in
the health Center?
Erap : Kita na niyang ninenerbyos ako sa result ng AIDS test ko, tapos
sabi pa niya "THINK POSITIVE!"
Two employees were caught naked & having sex in the office by Erap.
Erap: Aha, violating company rules!
Male: Which rule?
Erap: (Thinks) Not Wearing UNIFORM!!
While taking a shower at home and calling for Loi.
Erap : Bakit walang shampoo dito?
Loi : Anong wala, kabibili ko lang kanina ng shampoo, ah.
Erap : Eh, puro For Dry Hair lang ang meron, basa na ang buhok ko!!
Erap while buying chewing gum sa 7-11.
Erap : Etong bayad ko!
Cashier : Etong sukli nyo sir.
Erap : Sukli lang, asan yung libreng Asukal? Sabi dito sa gum wrapper, SUGAR FREE!
MAKIBAKA!
LUMABAN!
MAGKAISA!
IWAKSI ANG KABASTUSAN SA TXT!
SUMAPI SA SAMAHANG T.I.T.I.
(TXTERS NA INTELEKTWAL TUTOL SA IMORAL)
MANINDIGAN SUMAPI SA TITI!
TAMA NA ANG KABASTUSAN!
SOBRA NA ANG KALASWAAN!
ITAGUYOD ANG C.A.N.T.O.T.
(CRUSADE AGAINST NASTY, TASTELESS, OBSCENE TEXTING)
CANTOT KA NA!!
During a State Dinner with the Wives in Washington DC.
Bill to Hillary : Please pass the sugar SWEETHEART;
Blair to wife : Please pass the honey HONEYBUNCH;
Erap to Loi : Please pass the Pork PORKYPIG
Erap to Malacanang hardinero : I thought I told you to water the plants?
Hardinero : Yes, you did sir, but it is raining hard right now, sir.
Erap (MAD) : that's no excuse, I know we supplied you with raincoats!
What's the difference between a panty and a brief?
Answer: pagbaba ng brief labas ang bird.... pagbaba ng panty, pasok ang bird.
Q: What is
the difference between kissing a Gwapa Girl from Swangit Girl?
A: in Guapa girl, you kiss the face then squeeze the boobs. In Swangit
girl, you kiss the boobs then squeeze the face!
MILITARY MOTTO'S:
ARMY-no retreat, no surrender!
AIRFORCE- no guts, no glory;
NAVY - no pain, no gain;
POLICE- no valor, no honor;
SECURITY GUARD- NO ID, NO ENTRY!
Types of women:
VULGAR-oh, shit! I'm coming!
RACER-faster! faster!
DIVER-deeper! deeper!
BANKER-i-withdraw mo! i-withdraw mo!
MURDERER- pag hinugot mo yan, papatayin kita!
Where did the name TIKI-TIKI vitamins for babies came from?
Yung baby galing sa "TT" at "KK". They were just put together para di bulgar...so "TIKI-TIKI". Kesa naman United American TITI KIKI for babies".
While in a store to buy a pen.
Erap : Miss may ballpen ba kayo dito?
Clerk : Wala ho kaming ballpen.
Erap (MAD) : Bakit ang ipinangalan niyo sa store niyo "PENSHOPPE"?
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