The Philippine's Biggest Joke Depository
Get a Joke Everyday in your e-mail

 

HOME

 

JOKE ARCHIVES

 

  APRIL 4th  Week

 

 

DAHIL SA MGA MALL BOMBINGS:
ERAP: Walanghiyang Tom Jones yan!!! Sex bomb kasi ng Sex bomb.....binomba tuloy tayo!!!!

 

DONG PUNO: President ERAP, Baligtad yung sinabi niyo....dapat KILL THE VIRUS AND RELEASE THE HOSTAGES


April 28, 2000

Somewhere in Cotabato, a pasenger bus was intercepted by terrorist rebels.
"Baba lahat!" said the leader.
Everyone went down the bus.
"Lahat ng mga babae sa kanan!"
"Lahat ng mga lalake sa kaliwa!"
So they did.
"Lahat ng mga lalake patayin!"
"Lahat ng mga babae rapen!"
A young girl about 12 years old pleaded to the leader..."maawa na po kayo sa lola ko...matanda na po s'ya, wag na po ninyo s'yang idamay..hu..hu.."
"He! pesteng bata ito...sabing lahat e di lahat!" 


from gjw
Erap has just landed at Hong Kong airport, he hands his passport to the immigration officer who says, Mr President you don't appear to have
a visa for Hong Kong.
Erap replies, that's ok officer, don't worry as I only  use Mastercard when I travel.


When ERAP was still Vice President (as in maraming vise) he heads the former PACC with Gen.Ping Lacson. Erap accompanied Lacson in one of their anti-kidnapping operations somewhere in Southern Luzon. When they reach the hideout of the kidnappers Erap was brandishing his UZI together with other PACC agents, he then saw two men coming out of the building. He then pointed his UZI at them and shouted at the top of his lungs F R R E E E Z Z E !!!. Upon hearing this the two men then let go of their firearms and placed their hands on top of their heads. Then one of the PACC agents whispered to ERAP, sir mga deep penetrating agents natin ang mga yan sir !! ERAP then replied a ganu'un ba. He then shouted to the two men, Okey boys D E F R O S T !!!!! 


Every one knows that President Erap is superstitious. While he was in Kuala Lumpur for the APEC meeting, he is asked by Filipino reporters if he’s going back to the Philippines on Saturday. He looks at the calendar but misreads the date.
"Hindi, ayoko. Friday the 13th pala sa Sabado". 


April 27, 2000

LET'S PUT A STOP TO LIES BEING SPREAD THRU TEXT AGAINST D CHURCH, D COUNTRY, D PRESIDENT, & LATELY, D BANKS! JUST CONCENTRATE ON THE PRESIDENT!


Biodata
Erap in one of his younger days while applying for a job he doesn't really like. His Biodata goes a little something like this:

Position Applied For: Point Guard
Name: Guess Who
Address: Bonifacio
Birthdate: Happy
Sex: Symbol
Marital Status: S (small) M (medium) L (large)
Height: Hitler
Weight: For me!
School: No…is Hot.
Course: Golf
Degree: 90
Special Skills: Singing, Dancing, Acting etc.
Phone Number(s): 3 (Nokia, Motorola and Ericsson)
Fax: U
Contact Person(s): Yes….(Animals ..No.)


LET US PAUSE AND KNOW OUR FELLOW TEXTER WHO DIED LAST NYHT UMAKYAT SA BUBONG NAHULOG SA KNAL NASYOT SA IMBURNAL DAHIL SA KAKAHANAP NG SIGNAL 


Proud to be a Filipino
In an international Convention of coffee-producing nations, the
Philippines proved it really has given something to the coffee world.
The Columbia delegate said: "We have the best coffee beans."
Remarked the Japanese representative: "Japan refined coffee production to make people enjoy coffee more."
The American delegate: "America has the best and the most number of brands of regular and instant coffee, supported by the most modern means of production."
Then the Filipino delegate stood up to proudly declare: "The Philippines
invented the two-hour coffee break!!!"


April 26, 2000

From PLDT.COM
OVERHEARD BY PLDT LINEMAN TAPPING MANNY'S PHONE:
Manny: "Good morning, Mr. President."
ERAP : "(incoherent, cough cough) Manny, why is you always trying to make my government look bad all the time in the news?"
Manny: "But, sir, we will never do that. Mr. Suharto, este (rather), my fellow investors are fully supporting you".
ERAP: " So how come in the TV news, always after the bad headlines, they say 'brought to you by PLDT'? Linoloko mo ba ako? (are you fooling my leg?)
Tsaka (and) next time, don't call me before eleven AM, OK?" 


Erap hinold-up. Tinutukan ng baril sa ulo.
Hold-upper: Ano'ng gusto mo, ibigay mo ang pitaka mo sa akin o pasabugin ko ang ulo mo?
Erap: Pareho lang yan.
Hold-upper: Ano'ng pareho lang?(!)
Erap: Pareho lang yang walang laman!


Sino'ng Matalino?
One day, Barican visited Erap at his house in San Juan, nadatnan niya si Erap na naglalaro nang Chess, kalaban niya ang kanyang asong "doberman". Barican was amazed and said, "ANG TALINO NAMAN NANG ASO N'YO, SIR!" Erap seemed unimpressed with Barican’s comment and snapped, "SINO'NG MATALINO, GAGO KA PALA EH, DALAWANG BESES PALANG SIYANG NANALO, AH." (ngek din)



Most Patriotic among Erap's Cabinet
Zamora, Barican and Pardo were discussing who the most Patriotic among them. Zamora said he always salute the National flag whenever he sees it and hence, claims to be the most patriotic. Barican said that whenever he hears the national anthem, howsoever faintly, he immediately stand at attention. Likewise, Pardo could not be outdone and he boasts that he wears the national costume and the flag color everyday to qualify as the most patriotic cabinet member. 

While all this discussion is taking place, ERAP was keeping mum and just staring at each one. Everyone asked him why he was so quiet and even remarked that ERAP is not a true patriot and hence had nothing to say. Hearing this, ERAP immediately flew into a rage. 
"I have keeping quiet until now only because I was feeling like crying on hearing your foolish talk about patriotism. How does it benefitting our country if you saluting the Flag or standing at attention on hearing the national anthem or wearing the barong and so forth? A true patriots is like me, 365 day a years, 24 hours in one day, my radio set is tuning to Beijing Radio at very full volume". 

"But how is that a patriotic act, Sir?" Barican asked. 

ERAP said, "Mga gago pala kayo, Gademet, you do not understand. Use your coconut, if nothing else we can really harm the Chinese by consuming as much of their electricity as possible".


April 25, 2000

Combo Meals:
SINGIT -- SINnangaG at ITlog
PWET -- Pinakbet With Ensaladang Talong
TINGIL -- TINortang Galunggong In Lard
FININGER -- FIsh Nuggets IN GingER sauce
TITI -- TInapay at TInapa
PUKE -- PUto with Keso
PAKANTUT -- PAnsit KANton with TUTsie roll
SALSAL -- SALmon with SALabat
TSUPA -- TSUkolate at PAndesal
PAKAPLOG -- PAndesal KAPe at itLOG


SHOWBIZ BOO-BOO Archive
1) Alam mo ate Ludz, you know, when you are alone, you really have to step your foot...ah , forward! 

MELANIE MARQUEZ ANSWERING ATE LUDS QUESTION: Paano ka nag-susurvive sa mga trials mo?
2) Ano kasi , she is, I mean she was, kasi past tense na nga pala... 

SNOOKY ANSWERING A QUESTION FROM THE PANEL IN SEE-TRUE 
3) Eddie Mercado: Of the three titles at stake, which would you want to win?

Finalist: I want to win the Bb. Pilipinas Universe because it would be an honor to represent the Philippines in the whole Universe! 

BINIBINING PILIPINAS CIRCA 70's 
4) Alma Moreno wrapping up the conversation with guest Joey Albert in her now defunct show Rated A. Joey de Leon was the co-host. 

Alma: So Joey, paki ulit muli yung concert mo sa University of Belt. 

Joey de leon : Ness naman eh, kaya tayo pinagtatawanan eh, University Belt 

5) Joey : Ano ang favorite movie mo, Tagalog o English? 

Discorama Girl contestant: BOT! 

Vic: So favorite mo talaga si Edgar Mortiz! 

6) Joe Quirino: Sharon, are you familiar with the current problems we have in the film industry? 

Sharon: Sorry, Tito Joe, I'm afraid not. 

JQ: What about you Myra, what can you say? 

Myra Manibog: Naku Tito Joe, I'm afraid also! 

7)Joey de Leon: How are you? 

Miss Gay Philippines contestant: How are you too! 

8) Eddie Mercado: Angie Dickinson has insured her legs for a million dollar, would you also do the same? 

Melanie Marquez: NO, of course no, because I am proud and contented with my long legged. 

With this answer, she bagged the crown and eventually won the Miss International in 1978. 

9) Joe Cantada : So Atoy, what are your prospects now, mukhang makakayanan kayo ng Toyota this coming semi-finals round... 

Atoy Co : Well Joe, the ball is around! (naghanap tuloy ng bola si Joe) 

10) PBA anchor : So sino sa tingin mo Arnie ang may appeal sa iyong artista natin? 

Arnie Tuadles (SLN): Si JEN siyempre! 

Anchor: Sinong Jen? 

Arnie T: Si JEN SABURIT. 

11) SA GERMSPECIAL...debut ni Janice de Belen! 

Kuya Germs: Happy Birthday Janice, Ana, may sasabihin ka pa? 

Ana Margarita Gonzales (sister ni Kring-Kring): Ilan taon ka na ngayon, Janice? 

12) Snooky and Tom Babauta guesting on Germspecial 

Kuya Germs: Do you love Phuilippines? 

Tom: Yes Kuya Germs. 

Kuya Germs: Have you ah made love to a Filipina? 

13) Lydia immediately after winning against PT Usha of India for the Century Dash.in 1984 Asian Games. 

Reporter: What happened Lydia, mukhang bumanat ka sa ending. 

Lydia: OO nga, mabilis siya, but you know, I ran and I fast! 

14) New Year's presentation ng See True: 

Ate Luds: O sige ano na ang inyong prediction para kay Stella Strada? 

Madam Auring: Lalo siyang sisikat sa darating na taon at malalampasan niya ang kasikatan ni Alma Moreno! 

Kinabukasan, HEADLINE: STELLA STRADA COMMITS SUICIDE! 

15: Joey de Leon: Ano sa tingin mo ang katangian mo na iba sa mga kalaban mo? 

Miss Gay Philippines Contestant: Unang-una, isa akong tunay na Babaeng Pilipina na handang maglingkod sa bayan. Alam ko na ang isang Gay na katulad ko ay maaring maging halimbawa sa lipunan. OO nga kami'y pinagtatawanan subalit may karapatan din naman kaming mabuhay para hindi lamang sa sarili kundi para sa mga taong aming mapaglilingkuran. 

Joey: So Ano nga ang katangian iba sa iyo? 

Contestant: Palangiti ako. 

Vic: Kahit walang tao? 

16: Isang panelist sa See-True: Paano mo nabibigyan buhay ang pag-bobold? 

Coca Nicolas: Pinaiinum ako ni Tito Rey ng FONDADOR. 

17. Joey de Leon: Ano ang masasabi mo sa katayuan ng mga katulad mo sa lipunan, sabi nila...blah, blah, blah.. 

Miss Gay Phil Contestant: (panay ang ngiti at halatang kinakabahan...) Unang una Joey at Vic, Magandang tanghali sa inyong lahat. Pwedeng pakiulit yung tanong? 


April 24, 2000

ERAP: Sa Glorietta ba to?? anung oras ba kayo nagbubukas???
CALL: 10 AM sir
ERAP: 10 AM pa ba??
CALL: Sir, it's 4 AM pa lang naman...bakit po ba gusto niyong makapasok agad? 
ERAP: makapasok ??? gusto ko na ngang lumabas...nakatulog ako sa moviehouse.


May tatlong babae sa ob-gyne at habang naghihintay naguusap sila.
Girl 1: sigurado ako lalaki ang anak ko kasi ako ang nasa ibabaw.
Girl 2: siguro ang sa akin babae kasi inuupuan ko ang miter ko.
At ang pangatlong babae umiiyak kasi baka manganak siya ng tuta.. 


Dumating ang doktor ni Alma, isang araw matapos siya ay operahan.
ALMA: doc, nakakahiya ho e, may itatanong po ako. 
DOC: May problema ba?
ALMA: Wala naman po dok, itatanong ko lang po kung kailan babalik ang normal sex life ko.
DOC: uhmmm.....hindi ako sigurado kasi......ikaws pa lang ang nagtanong sa kin niyan matapos ang tonsillectomy.


ALMA: Doc, si Joey po pag nag ka-climax lagi pong sumisigaw ng ubod ng lakas
DOC: Normal lang yon. hindi problema yon.
ALMA: Problema po dok kasi nagigising ako lagi.


April 23, 2000

Erap, pare, pera, rape, ape....(Herap - lasing na Erap)
ni:KapitanKidlat

Sabi ng iba Erap is the guy.
Pero dito sa amin , hindi yata bagay.
Dapat sa presidente, medyo intelihente.
Para hindi sunud-sunuran sa mga tutang katabi.

Itong si Erap, hindi na natuto.
Kaliwa't kanan puro panluloko.
Ibinalik is Imelda at nilakad na walang kaso.
Para nga naman makuha ang kanyang sosyo.

Ang kanyang mga barkada, sina Mario at Lucio,
Mga angkan ni Imelda, pati na si Eduardo.
Ang kanang kamay na si dambuhalang Ronaldo..
Si Lucio Tan, Dante Tan , pati si Manero.

Wala pang dalawang taon ay heto na sila.
Mga diyaryong kritiko pilit pinasasara.
Manila Times, Inquirer at sinong susunod pa,
Para bukas makalawa ay wala ng kokontra.

Sabi ni Erap , walang kamag-anak, walang kaibigan..
Kayong mga loko hwag akong subukan,
Ako ang presidente na di nagkakamali
Lahat ng gusto ko, sinusunod parang hari.

Unang order nya, ilibing si Makoy..
Katabi ng mga bayaning gustong tumaghoy.
Nag-alsa ang mga barokan at tribung pinoy...
Umatras ang hari at mga alaga nyang baboy.

Si Erap namigay ng mga mamahaling sasakyan..
Sa mga kamag-anak, kabinete at kaibigan.
Sa halip na gumawa ng mas mabuting paraan,
Upang ang makinabang , ang mga mamayan.

Pangalawang order nya, baguhin daw ang konstitusyon..
At ang dagdag pa nya laos na raw yon.
Dapat daw ay gawing pang-globalisasyon..
Nang ang mga dummy ni Imelda ariin ang buong nasyon.

Habang ang tribung pinoy ay nag-kakagulo
Mga tuta ni Erap ay wiling- wili dito.
Saan ka nga naman nakakita ng ganito,
Presidenteng lasingero, babaero at uto-uto.

Habang si Erap ay kanilang binobosyo,
Kabi-kabilang raket ang mga tarantado!
Ni-rig ang kontrata ng fire trucks, posas at libro,
Pati ang stock market muntik ng mag-sarado.

Erap hindi lahat ng Pilipino ay hangal at gago.
Kami sumusubaybay at naghihintay sa 'yo.
Ngayon kung ang iyong direksyon ang hindi mo mabago,
Kami ay uling lalabas upang ipa-alala sa iyo.


Erap sa pagsisinungaling walang tatalo sa yo.
Pati si Kapitan Kidlat binabanggit mo,
Sa uulitin pag ngalan ko'y binanggit mo
Sa pagitan ng yong dalawang hita ako'y tatama sa yo!

  

Si Erap habang may kasamang babae sa kama.
Erap: iha, ano bang trabaho mo? Gusto mo ng trabaho sa malacanang?
Babae: Sir, dati po akong female impersonator

X-file on why Echagaray was given the lethal injection.
Velarde and Erap before the execution of
Leo Echegaray. 
Velarde: Why don't you give mercy to  him? 
Erap: ano ako gago? ni rape nya si baby, ibibigay ko pa si Mercy? 


Bye Mom! Be home from camp on Sunday. Relax, I'll be okay. 
Bye Mom! Be home at midnight. Relax, I'll be alright. 
Bye Mom! I will always be your little girl.Come what may. 
Mom: Hoy Junior!!! Tumigil ka nga d'yang damuho ka!!! 


April 22, 2000

Ito tunay na SMB.. 
Sama Mo Babae 
Silip Mo Boobs 
Suklay Mo Buhok 
Salat Mo Butas 
Sipsip Mo Biyak 
Saksak Mo Btuta 
Sakali Ma Buntis, 
Suport Mo BATA! 


MOM: o, anak why are u crying? 
SON: galit titser ko tanong niya pangalan ko sabi ko: LUCKY T. TINIO Sir

ERAP to Gloria: Galing ng bagong cellphone ko! GSM!
GLORIA: Bakit naman?
ERAP: Kasi adaptable, pwede sa lahat!
GLORIA: Ha?
ERAP: Oo, GSM = Globe, Smart, Mobiline!


Sa bilibid prison, sampung taon nang hindi naliligo at nagpapalit ng damit yung mga bilanggo. Sa madaling sabi, sobra nang baho at nagtututong at nagtitigkal ang libag, banil at kalimagmag sa kanilang mga suot na damit.
Isang araw, biglang hinarap nung prison warden ang mga bilanggo at kaniyang i-nanannounce, "maryoon akong good news at bad news para sa inyo."
"Ang good news - pagakatapos ng sampung taong walang paligo at walang palitan ng damit, ngayong araw, magkakaroon kayong lahat ng palit ng damit."
Palakpakan at naluha pa yung ibang prisonero sa galak.
"Ang bad news, ikaw ay makikipagpalit ng suot sa kanya, ikaw naman - makipagpalit sa kaniya..."


Pag umutot:
Americano: pardon me. 
British:excuse me
Pinoy: di ako yon mamatay na umutot!!!!!!!! 

 

BACK
                                      

 

Copyright © 1999 DTP SOLUTIONS All Rights Reserved
DTP SOLUTIONS
Makati City Philippines