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  APRIL 2nd  Week

 

April 14, 2000

A sexy reporter was interviewing Erap.
At pag upo pa lang pinisil ni Erap ang boobs ng reporter.
Reporter: Bakit no pinisil ang boobs ko 
Erap: Kasi may nakalagay na PRESS eh! 



FLASH REPORT; ERAP SHOT AND KILLED LOI AFTER BUYING A HOUSE; REASON, STATED IN THE CONTRACT: EXECUTE ALL 3 COPIES TOGETHER WITH YOUR WIFE


REPORTER: SIR, DO YOU HAVE ANY PLANS FOR THE HOMELESS? 
ERAP: OF COURSE, BUT THE PROBLEM IS, IT IS VERY HARD TO FIND THEM.THEY HAVE NO ADDRESS.


Kung wala kang makain, papakainin ka ni erap. Kung wala kang damit, dadamitan ka ni erap. Kung wala kang asawa, Aasawahin ka ni erap. Kung wala kang alam, lalo na si erap! 


MATANDANG DALAGA : Hello, Manila police? May sex manyak na nakapasok dito sa aking bahay!!! At sa kasalukuyan ay ni-re-rape niya ko..... pwede po ba kayong pumunta dito at hulihin siya bukas ng umaga?


Losing someone's teeth will lessen your sexual drive according to a Chinese doctor - "PAK KAW WALA EPEN, WALA KAN TOOTH.


April 13, 2000


19
VANDOLPH: Ma, kain naman tayo ng JH, gutom na ko.
ALMA: JH?
VANDOLPH: Jollibee Hamburger
ALMA: Ahhh
VANDOLPH: O kaya diyan na lang sa PH.
ALMA: PH?
VANDOLPH: Pizza Hut
ALMA: wag na, bili na lang tayo ng hotdog sandwich sa 19.
VANDOLPH: Ano yung 19 ma?
ALMA: diyan sa SEVEN-ELEVEN.


Paano mo patatawanin si Alma kung Sabado?
Wednesday pa lang, sabihin mo na yung joke mo.


Ano ang favorite car ni Alma?
BMW..... kasi madali ang spelling.


Zebra
Vandolph : Mommy, mommy si papa Joey bumili ng Zebra para daw pet ko.
Alma : wow...... mahal yan, alagaan mong mabuti.
Vandolph : Yes mama. Ano kaya ang magandang pangalan para sa zebra?
Alma : Bagay na name diyan "Spot".


Bakit ayaw na ayaw sumakay ni ALMA sa tabing window ng mga airplanes?
Baka daw kasi magulo ang buhok niya sa hangin.


VANDOLPH: Mama, nakabasa ka na ba ng Shakespeare?
ALMA : Hindi pa, sino ba sumulat nun?


April 12, 2000

COUP D ETAT
ERAP was with the AFP Chief and RAM are talking about coup rumors. After 5 hours of deadlock, RAM offered a compromise. If ERAP spells the words COUP D ETAT, the coup is off.
ERAP: Gera na kung gera!


WARNING 2 ALL TEXTERS: 
Galit na si Erap dahil ginagawa siyang TANGA at BOBO sa text ngayon. Kapag tutuloy pa ito ay ipapaputol na niya ang linya ng mga cellphones. May binigay na siyang advice at memo sa MERALCO!


IF YOU HAVE ANY DEPOSITS TO ANY OF THE FOLLOWING BANKS- PAN ASIA, BANCO DE ORO, COCO BANK. PLS. WITHDRAW YOUR MONEY IMMEDIATELY. THEY WILL MERGE AS ONE. THEY HAVE A NEW NAME NOW 'PANDECOCO'.


WARNING!!
Children playing outside the car can cause accident...
and
Adults playing inside the car can cause children!!! BY ACCIDENT 


At The Beach
One day, Alma and Van Dolph went to the beach. Van Dolph was swimming which Alma was preparing lunch. 
When lunch was about ready, she called out to Van Dolph, "VAN DOLPH, HUWAG KANG LALAYO, KAKAIN NA TAYO!" 
But Van Dolph kept on swimming farther out, so she yelled louder, "VAN DOLPH, HUWAG KANG LALAYO, KAKAIN NA TAYO!!" 
Still, Van Dolph swam out even farther, so Alma screamed, "VAN DOLPH! HUWAG KANG LALAYO, KAKAIN NA TAYO!!!" 
Being such a hardhead, Van Dolph kept on swimming even further out. Alma was about to scream again, when she thought of a brilliant idea! 
She picked up a binocular, then she said in her plain voice, "Van Dolph, huwag kang lalayo, kakain na tayo!" 


At Mcdonald's Again
Alma and Van Dolph went to McDonald's. She went up to the counter and ordered "Adobo." 
The McEmployee said, "I'm sorry, ma'am. We don't serve adobo here at McDo." 
Alma said, "Sure you do! You know, as in that commercial, 'Adobo-dobo cheese-cheese burger-burger please!'" 


April 11, 2000

BAKIT GUSTONG-GUSTO NI BISHOP BACANI AT NI BROTHER MIKE SI ERAP?
KASI, MULA NG MAGING PRESIDENTE SI ERAP, NATUTONG MAGDASAL ANG MGA PILIPINO!


Call Center
A cub reporter was complaining about the President's accessibility to the media. Talking to another veteran mediaman, he said it is harder now to get through the President compared to those days when he was still Mayor, Senator and even Vice President.
The mediaman said, "Pare, hindi totoo yan! In fact they have installed a very sophisticated telephone system over at Malacanang. All you need to dois lift the handset and presto you can talk to the President anytime." 
"Really?" said the amused reporter and hurriedly ended the conversation. "O, sigue pare, thank you sa tip ha? Tatawag na kaagad ako sa Presidente!"
And so the reporter got hold of a telephone and dialed the Malacanang number, and this is what he heard:
"GOOD MORNING, YOU HAVE REACHED THE OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENT. IF YOU WISH TO TALK TO HIM IN TAGALOG, PLEASE PRESS 1. IF YOU WANT TO TALK TO HIM IN FILIPINO, PLEASE PRESS 2. IF YOU INSIST ON TALKING TO HIM IN ENGLISH, PLEASE HANG UP AND DON'T CALL AGAIN!"
That didn't dampen the spirit of the persistent reporter. He dialed the number again and followed the instruction by pressing 1 (for Tagalog), and this is what he heard:
MAGANDANG UMAGA PO, ANG INYONG TAWAG AY NAKARATING SA TANGGAPAN NG PANGULONG ERAP. SA KASAWIANG PALAD, SIYA AY KASALUKUYAN PANG NATUTULOG. KUNG MAYROON KAYONG IBANG NAIS MAKAUSAP, SUNDIN ANG MGA SUMUSUNOD: "PINDUTIN ANG ISA PARA SA UNANG ASAWA, PINDUTIN ANG DALAWA PARA SA PANGALAWANG ASAWA, AT PINDUTIN ANG TATLO KUNG MAYROON KAYONG MAIRE-REKOMENDA!"


Erap at a California Pizza kitchen
Erap: Waiter, ano bang specialty niyo? 
Waiter: Sir we have a wide range of pizza
Erap: A ganun ba?..Isang Shakeys special nga!


Q: Why does Erap keep empty beer bottles in his fridge?
A: They are for those who don't drink!


During a press conference on morality...
Reporter: Sir, how many women do you believe must a man marry? 
Erap: 16 !!!
Reporter: Why???
Erap: Because the priest says:
Four richer, four poorer, four better, four worse. 


April 10, 2000

SUICIDE
Nahuli ni Alma si Joey na may kasama sa kama. Kumuha ng baril si Alma.
ALMA : Papatayin ko kayo!!! Mga taksil!!!
Joey : Huwag darling...maawa ka....
ALMA: (hikbi) tama ka joey (hikbi) Ako na lang ang magpapakamatay!!! Babarilin ko na ang sarili ko!!!!
Itinutok ni Alma ang baril sa kaniyang ulo.
Joey : Wag Sweetheart!!! wag mong gawin yan!!!!
ALMA : Wag kang makialam, kung hindi ikaw ang isusunod ko...


Nakatipid
Takbong pumasok ng bahay si Inday. Pagud na pagod, pero masayang-masaya.
Nagmamayabang pa sa amo.
Inday: Sir! Sir! Nakatipid ako ng dos singkwenta.
Amo: Nakatipid? Paano?
Inday: Aba'y 'di ako sumakay ng dyip. Sumabay lang ako ng takbo. Kaya't
nakatipid ako ng two-fifty.
Amo: Bobo ka pala, eh. Kung taxi ang sinabayan mo, 'Di mas malaki ang
natipid mo!


CABINET MEMBER: Mr. President our population growth rate is alarming! There is 1 woman giving birth every minute. 
ERAP: We have to stop this, look for that woman!


IN LABOR
Jackie: Dad, manganganak na ata ko! 
Erap: Driver, tigil mo sa Jollibee. 
Loi: Ha? Manganganak na nga Jollibee ka pa! 
Erap: D ba FREE DLIVERY dun?


2 magkumpare naguusap..
pare 1- bakit hindi mo binigyan ng limos yung tao kanina..
pare 2- limosan mo yon eh! may anak yon sa malakanyang.
pare 1-ha?
pare 2- oo namamalimos din.


April 9, 2000

SWIMMER
Nag swimming sa beach sina Ramos, Roco and Erap.
Ramos: Physically fit ba kayo? Kaya niyo bang languyin hanggang kabilang isla? sampung kilometro yon at malalim.
Roco : Sige mauuna na ko.
Nag swimming si Roco, almost 2 kilometers pa lang bumalik na, hindi na kaya
Ramos : Susunod ako
Nag swimming naman si Ramos, almost 3 kilometers pa lang bumalik na din
Erap : Salita kayo ng salita, hindi niyo naman pala kaya. Tingnan niyo ko.
Nag-swimming si Erap. After 1 hour bumalik din.
Erap : Hindi ko din pala kaya. sobrang pagod ako...9 kilometers na ko...sayang....bumalik na lang ako dito kesa malunod ako.

SWIMMER PART 2
Nag swimming ulit sina Ramos, Roco and Erap
Ramos : karera tayo.... 50 meters lang yang swimming pool
Roco at Erap : OK!!!
Sabay nanalo sina Roco at Ramos at si Erap ay natalo at ininterbyu ng reporter...
Erap : Talagang kahit saan... madaya yang dalawang yan....ginagamit nila ang kamay nila sa pag swimming....



If Erap and Cory are tossed off a building, who hits the ground 
first?

Cory...Erap has to stop to ask for directions.


Why did Erap tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? 
He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.


Why did Erap always wear condoms on his ears every time he has sex? 
So he wouldn't get hearing aids.


April 8, 2000

DASAL
Erap: Bro. Mike, ipagdasal mo naman na sana tumigil na ang mga tao sa ERAP jokes. Sobra na sila.
Bro. Mike : Sige Pareng Erap, para sa ikabubuti ng lahat...ano pa ba ang gusto mong ipagdasal namin.
Erap: Madaming maliliit na bagay pero walang kwenta, hindi na dapat pag aksayahan ng panahon.
Bro. Mike: diyan ka mali, pare. Ang malalaking problema nagsisimula sa maliliit. Ano ba ang iyong maliliit na problema?
Erap: Wala naman, tulad nitong M&M na candy, ang hirap balatan.


AIRPLANE
First time at excited na sumakay si Erap ng Boeing747. Sa loob ng eroplano, sigaw ng sigaw si Erap. "BOEING! BOEING! BOEING! BOEING!
Nagalit ang piloto and sinabihan siya ng "BE SILENT!"
Tumahimik sandali si Erap, sabay sigaw ulit ng OEING! OEING! OEING! OEING!


SUNOG!
ERAP : Manila Fire Department???? Pumunta agad kayo dito!!! Nasusunog ang bahay namin!!!
Bumbero : Sige po!! Pano po kami makakarating diyan?
ERAP : MGA TANGA! sumakay kayo sa mga trak niyo!!


What did Erap do when he heard that 90% of accidents occur around 
the home?

He moved.


Ramos: Erap, why do you cry while eating Chippy?
And why do you shed your tears on the wrapper?
Erap: Because it says here on top "Tear here"

 

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