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  APRIL 1st  Week

 

April 7, 2000

ERAP HAS 2 BRAINS
U.S. Doctor: Mr. President, you have a brain tumor. 
ERAP: hahahaha 
U.S. Doctor: why are you laughing? 
ERAP: i'm happy cause in the philippines, I have no brain, but here in U.S. i have 2 more.


CHANGE OIL
DOC:80 yrs old ka na nabuntis mo pa si mrs? 
INTSIK:syempule, ako lagi punta doktor para tune-up. 
(AFTER 9 MOS.) 
DOC:magpa change oil ka nga, kulay itim anak mo.


Question: Bakit hindi puede lumabas ang bumbay pag-Wednesday ?
Answer : Kasi color-coding ! Bawal ang 5-6 !!


NGO NGO
Si Ngongo ay pumunta sa isang tindahan para bumili ng soda."Mabili nga o nang Mebsi." Ang sabi niya.
"Anong sabi mo?", ang tanong ni Mang Gaston na siga ng lugar.
"Meb-si! Meb-si!", sigaw ni Ngongo.
Aba at huwag mo ‘kong sisigawan", ang galit ni Mang Gaston at sinakal niya si Ngongo. "Anong gusto mong bilihin hayop ka?"
"Ngok, ngok", hindi makahinga si Ngongo.
"Eh Coke lang pala, hindi mo masabi ng mahusay."


MORE NGO NGO
The ngo-ngo was guiding a truck driver back up a parking slot.
Sigaw ng ngo-ngo: "A-asya, a-asya!"
Atras, ang truck driver.
Sigaw ulit si ngo-ngo: "A-asya, a-asya!"
Tuloy ang atras ng driver.
Nagpa-panick na si ngo-ngo: "A-asya, a-asya!"
All of a sudden, malaking KALABOG! Sumapok ang truck kung saan. Galit ang driver at bumaba ng truck: "Anak ka ng patola, sabi mo kakasiya, eh bakit ako bumangga?"
Nang tignan ng driver kung ano ang nasapok niya, eh may puno sa kanyang likuran. Sabi ng ngongo: "Sabi ngo naman sa iyo may puno ng aasya e!"


NGO NGO ISA PA
Si ngongo ay right-hand passenger side ng dyipni. Tumatakbo sila sa isang makitid na kalye sa may bukid.
Sabi ng driver,"Ngongo, tingnan mo diyan sa kanan, at ako dito sa kaliwa. Sabihin mo sa akin kung kanan o kaliwa at baka tayo mahulog sa bukid".
Sagot ni Ngongo,"O-ey Moss" So there, takbo sila.
Nang biglang sabi ni Ngongo, "kaniwa, kaniwa". So turn-to-the left si driver. "Bah, okay palang guide itong si Ngongo", sabi ng driver.
Later, sabi ni Ngongo, "Kanan, kanan". So turn to the right si driver, "Okay talagang guide si Ngongo".
Later on, while smoothly driving, sumigaw si Ngongo, "Nganan, Nganan, kanan sabi eh".
So turn to the right si driver nang bigla silang nahulog sa kanal.
Sabi ng driver na galit na galit, "Ngongo sabi mo kanan, kumanan naman ako bakit nahulog tayo dito sa kanal?".
Sagot ni Ngongo,"Ay tange, habi ko nganan, mayrong’ nganan, ayaw ngang manginig". (Iyon pala, sabi ni Ngongo "kanal, kanal, kanal sabi eh".


April 6, 2000

Philippine Rabbit
Egyptian:
The Egyptian Camel can carry 5 persons at a time! 
Indian: That is nothing! The Indian Elephant can carry 10 People at a time! 
Pinoy: wala yan! The Philippine Rabbit can Carry 75 People Minimum! umaabot pa sa 100, kas-kasero pa sa highway! 


TITAHHH
Erap and Manoling went to the beach. After diving, a fish bit Erap's dick.
He punched the fish and it died.
Erap to Manoling: Kaya mo 'yun?
Manoling: Oo naman, basta huwag mo akong susuntukin, ha!


The 7 C's to consider when choosing a lover: 
1. Car 
2. Credit Card 
3. Country Club shares 
4. Credibility 
5. Charisma 
6. Career and most important 
7. Condom size



PA-CUTE
Which of these letters are cute? a, b, c, d, e, f, g, h, i, j, k, l, m, n, o, p, q, r, s, t, u, v, w, x, y, z.... alam ko dalawa lang eh - u & i. 



EUGENE TORRE
Q: Sino ang kaunaunahang chess grandmaster of Asia?
Clue: Kapangalan niya ang tao ng chess (Eugene Torre).
A: Carole King.
Q: Hindi, mas mababa sa "King".
A: Al Quinn.
Q: Hindi, Filipino ang apelyido niya.
A: Armida Siguion-Reyna.
Q: Hindi pa rin. Mas mababa pa sa "Reyna".
A: Bishop Bacani.
Q: Mas mababa pa sa "Bishop".
A: Johnny Midnight (Knight).
Q: Mas mababa pa sa "Knight".
A: Jerry Pons (Pawns)?
Q: O ayan na ha. Nabanggit mo na ang lahat ng piyesa. Yung kahulihulihang piyesa na lang.
A: Sylvia la Torre



ITS OK TO SAY NO TO A DATE! BUT HOW?
Dumating ang ka-date mo, at sinusundo ka. Hindi mo type ang sumama. ANO ANG GAGAWIN MO????

1. Sorry, manonood ako ng jai alai eh.
2. Dadaan ngayon si President Erap sa bahay.
3. Babantayan ko pa ang Lola kong nanganak.
4. Maysakit si Blackie eh, kailangan niya ng moral support.
5. Pupunta pa ako ng Batanes. Family reunion.
6. Magmamadre ako. Sorry ka na lang.
7. May phobia ako sa date.
8. Allergic ako sa seafoods, sa japanese foods at sa okra.
9. Huhulaan muna kita! Naku. Hindi sasama ang yayayain mong makipagdate sa'yo
10. Lesbiana ako. May kapatid ka bang babae.
11. Bisita ko si Diether. Ayaw naming maistorbo.
12. Alam mo bang ni-rape ako ng magtataho sa amin nung bata pa ako.
13. Nakita mo ba si Basilio...si Crispin? Crispin ikaw ba 'yan?
14. Ako ang pumatay sa pamilya ni Vizconde, baka ikulong nila ako. Hindi ako lalabas.
15. Isa akong Iglesia. Bawal ang date sa samahan namin.
16. Kailangang mahabol ko ang last trip sa Cubao.
17. May prayer meeting kami ni Brother Pacquito Diaz.
18. May voice lessons pa ako mamayang alas dos ng madaling araw.
19. Baka maholdap ako. Wala pa naman akong pera ngayon.
20. Na y2k ang computer ko. Aayusin ko mam'ya.
21. Walang maiiwan sa bahay. Ang mommy nasa kuwarto. At ang daddy nanood ng TV,
22. Hindi kita kilala.
23. Hinihintay ko pa ang paghuhukom.
24. Takot ako sa lalaki.
25. Barado ang banyo namin.
26. May interview pa ako sa Lexus mamaya.
27. May Brain transplant ang pusa namin. Tulad ni Blackie, she needs moral support.
28. Kailangang panoorin ko ang LOTTO Draw. 
29. Meron ka ba diyan...pautang naman oh. 
30. May LBM ako eh!
31. Mangkukulam ang nanay ko at isang aswang ang tatay ko. Bwa ha ha ha .
32. May appointment ako kay Congressman Jalosjos.
33. Sira yung G-shock watch ko eh.
34. Sasama ako kung mahuhulaan mo ang brand ng toothpick namin.
35. Bad Luck daw yung may kasamang pangit.
36. Kausapin mo muna yung sekretarya ko. Nasa Mt. Everest para sa isang convention!
37. Birthday ng mortal kong kaaway. I have to be in her very special day.
38. May customer pa ako sa kuwarto. Mayaman!
39. Sorry ha...sabi ng nanay ko isa daw akong manananggal.
40. Nahihilo ako pag namamasyal.


April 5, 2000

POOH Family HISTORY:
papa: POOHLIS
Mama: POOHTA
Kuya: POOHSAKAL
Ate: POOHKPOK
Pet: POOHSA
Game: POOHSOY
Thats all POOHKS


What traffic rules best describe a woman's organ?
1. deep excavation
2. slippery when wet
3. men working
4. stop on RED signal, proceed when GREEN 


Top 10 reasons why Cellphones must be Male: 
10. They may have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons. 
5. They're inpressive to look at, but the features are lacking.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody seems to be home.
2. Big power surges weakens them and knocks them out for the night.
1. Size does matter 


12 Reasons Why Cellphones are better than women; 
12. A Cellphone don't get mad if you wake it up suddenly. 
11. A Cellphone wouldn't cost you so much if you pick it up often.
10. A Cellphone doesn't care how many other Cellphones you have had in the past.
9. You can go to sleep with 2 to 3 cellphones at a time. 
8. A Cellphone doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
7. Once you turn it on, A Cellphone will stay turned on for days. 
6. You can feel and try out a Cellphone before you take it home.
5. A Cellphone wouldn't get angry if you look up underneath it.
4. When you are done with a Cellphone you can just throw it away.
3. When in a party, a Cellphone doesn't get jealous around other Cellphones. 
2. A Cellphone doesn't care if you watch TV or play with the computer all day.
1. A Cellphone doesn't get mad if you silence it while it's making a sound. 


A Sad Story
A child is jealous of his twin brother cause the twin is always breastfed by their mom so he put poison to their mom's breast. Early in the mornin, their driver died.


Do u know that Erap postal stamps were secretly circulated but was recalled by Erap himself? The reason? The citizens are spitting on the wrong side of the stamp.


April 4, 2000

TOP SEX MOVIES OF 1999:
1. Shaving Ryan's Private
2. GoFinger
3. Meet Blowjob
4. I Know Who U Did Last Summer
5. D Six Sex
6. NoTinggil
7. the Generals Did Her


Top Reasons why Cellphone TEXTing is better than sex. 
15. You can do it with your clothes on.
14. You can do it 24 hrs of a day, in almost any place.
13. You can usually find someone to do it with.
12. If you don't like what you see, you can just turn it off. 
11. If you get tired, you can stop, save it, pick up where you left off.
10. You don't have to spend a lot and take her out. 
9. After you do it 2 to 3 times, you don't feel tired at all.
8. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.
7. When you open a Text for the first time, you don't have to worry about who else has opened it.
6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.
5. You can do it, drink beer, eat and watch T.V. all at the same time.
4. You can do it even when you're far apart from each other
3. You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.
3. Sometimes, you can even have somebody else do it for you.
1. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your roommate for help


ERAP DEFINES... 
(1)SODOMY- its very dirty 
(2)ANAL- to invalidate a marriage 
(3)SEMEN-sailors 
(4)PENIS-money 
(5)HYMEN-hello guys!


A LECTURE IN SÜRGÉRY:
removal of breast-
MASTECTOMY
removal of bad breath-
DONTOCTOMY
removal of virginity-
GIVITTOMY
removal of body odor-
DONTGONIRMY.!


April 3, 2000

DIFFERENT KINDS OF COCKS:
Cute - COCKatuwa
Lousy - COCKainis
Large - COCKagana
Xtra Large - COCKasuka
Small - COCKapirangot
Sobrang small - COCKaduling!!!


Nagbago na
Nagbalikbayan ang Joey:
Alma: Honey, ang mga sigarilyo ba'y para sa kamag-anak natin?
Joey: OO. Hindi na ako naninigarilyo, nagbago na ako.
Alma: Itong mga alak, sa kamag-anak rin natin?
Joey: Oo, hindi na ako umiinom, nagbago na ako.
Alma: Siguro itong make-up kits para sa akin.
Joey: Hoy bruha, para sa akin 'yan. Di ba sabi ko, nagbago na akwo.


KALBO
Si Alma ay seloso at palaging tsine - check ang kanyang babaerong mister tuwing uuwing galing ng opisina. 
Isang araw galing sa klub si Joey...
Alma : Ano ka ba naman tingnan mo itong polo mo may buhok na kulay blonde, siguro Americana ang ka-table mo ano.. Hudas!!!
Joey : Hindi kumain lang ako ng mais at nadikit yung buhok (palusot lang)
Kinabukasan....
Alma : Ano ba naman kahapon blonde ngayon kulot naman... walanghiya ka talaga..
Joey : (palusot uli) hindi nadikit lang nanghiram lang ako ng suklay sa kumare mong kulot sa opisina kanina. (lusot ulit)
Kinabukasan talagang sobrang pagiingat ang ginawa ni lalaki upang hindi na mabisto, pinagpag muna niya ang damit bago umuwi...
Alma: Walanghiya ka talaga pati kalbo pinapatulan mo na ngayon!! 



Q:bakit papa ang tawag ng girls sa mga bf nila?
A: Kase, papatungan ka, tapos papasukan, papahiyawin at papasarapin tapos papaasahin at hindi papakasalan!!!!! 


April 2, 2000

National Hero
Q: Sino ang National Hero na naka-picture sa 500-peso bill?
Clue: Ang initials niya ay "N-A"(Ninoy Aquino).
A: Nora Aunor.
Q: Hindi, ang last letter ng kaniyang palayaw ay "Y".
A: Guy Aunor?
Q: Hindi, dati siyang naging Senador.
A: The former Senator Nora Aunor.
Q: Hindi, patay na siya!
A: ay! Patay na pala si Nora Aunor???

Lovelines through the years
1950s -- Iniirog kita.
1960s -- Iniibig kita.
1970s -- Minamahal kita.
1980s -- I love you.
1990s -- Tara sa kwarto.
2000s -- Pwede na rito. 


Wheelchair
Isang araw nagpasya ang ating president na pumunta sa north harbor para sumakay sa isang barko. 
At pagdating pa lang sa di kalayuan, biglang lumubog ang barko. After a few minutes may recue ng dumating. At na-rescue ng isang tao si mr. president.
Erap : sabihin mo lang kung ano ang hihilingin mo at ibibigay ko sayo.
MAN : wheel chair po mr. president.
ERAP : bakit wheel chair, hindi ka naman lumpo a.
MAN : sir, eh kasi kung malaman ng tatay ko na sinagip ko kayo siguradong lulumpohin n'ya ako...


Days
Fr. Bernas ask a question to Erap. " How many days in a week that starts with the letter 'T'? 
"Two!" said Erap and this brought a smile from Fr. Bernas.
"Goooood!" said Fr. Bernas," and what are these?"
Erap answered proudly "Today and Tomorrow!"


April 1, 2000

AGE
MATRONA: sa palagay mo mahal, ilang taon na ako? 
D.I.: kung titignan kita sa buhok 18 ka lng; kung nakatalikod 16 lang. kung sa kutis 22 lang. bale total ay 56 sweetheart.


FRENCH WORDS
Turn -- Le Coup
Liter -- Le True 
Behind -- Le Could 
Alms -- Le Mousse 
Five -- Le Ma 
Fly -- Le Pad
Skin Dirt -- Le Bag
Confused -- Le Tou
Cute -- A Coup
Cough -- U VOU
Ashes -- A VOU
Naked -- HU VOU
Car -- RE VOU
Baloon -- LO VOU
Dance -- MAM VOU
Sink -- LA VA VOU
Erap -- VO VOU


A Girl's Story of SMB 
Stroke My Butt
Suck My Boobs
Share My Bed
Shalalala Me Baby (9 months later)
Support My Baby
Dats SMB! Sarap Mo Baby!!!
 

 

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